Twisted Recipe #7 Dat Salsa

I LOVE SALSA!

I am a beast when it comes to salsa. A very picky beast. That's why I've never made my own. It would destroy me as a person if I made  bad salsa; too much onion, too much cilantro, not enough green chilies...the horror! It's like lumpy ketchup! All I taste is tomatoes and fire!

But since I am hoping to open my own cafe, I am creating a menu filled with my own recipes, and salsa is on the menu. I did my research, I studied ten of the best salsa recipes out there. I combined the best and most simple of recipes, for when it comes to food I have but one rule; keep it simple, stupid...

Here's what you'll need for Dat Salsa:

1 TBS Lime Juice
1 TBS Cilantro
1 TBS Garlic
1/4 CUP Onions
1 TSP Salt
2 CANS Diced Tomato
1 SMALL CAN Green chilies
1/2 TBS Cumin
1 Diced Jalapeno

Ehh...ignore that huge bag of sugar...I tried it in the first batch and didn't much enjoy the sweetness...but I was far far too lazy to take another photo. Also the bowl of fruit is equally inconsequential...

Now, in the future I will totally use freshly chopped tomatoes, garlic, onions and green chilies...however, I am super lazy so I bought all that stuff pre-cut and packaged for my convenience, yo! 

So open that business up and toss it in that bowl! POW!

Next step is to blend it; any food processor or bullet type thing will do...

Mmmm, I know that looks nums, but you don't want to eat it yet. Those flavors have to set for a while, so chill it in the fridge, and in an hour or so you'll have some yummy salsa for the dipping!

Twisted Recipe #6 Egg-ish Sandwich

Now that I've been a vegetarian for a year I've come up some pretty tasty recipes to get me and my family by without the meats. This one, however, my mom gave me...I just made it better.

I've actually never been a great fan of egg salad. I always found it too bland, with great big chunks of awkward egg white just sitting like a lump of disappointment in my mouth. And don't get me started on the yoke; all kids of chalky unpleasantness. But, when my mom told me she had the perfect vegan egg salad recipe, I had to know it, I had to try it... What she made me was far better than any egg salad, yet if she didn't tell me beforehand that it wasn't egg, I would have assumed it was and that she was just simply the best egg salad maker ever.

So here is what you will need:

1 cup of Mayo or Vegenaise
1 stalk of Diced Celery
1 Diced Pickle
1/4 cup of Diced Green Onions
2 tablespoons of Diced Garlic
1 Rectangle of FIRM or EXTRA FIRM Tofu
2 tablespoons of Turmeric
1 tablespoons of Salt  {NOTE: mom uses black salt, but I have no idea where to by this...Amazon?}
2 tablespoons of Mustard

Dice everything very small:

Drain the Tofu and then mix all your ingredients in a bowl with your hands. 

Nothing does it quite so well as your hands....your clean hands...LOL

Now, mommy took this lovely stuff and simply placed it between two slices of wheat bread, cut it in quarters and called it all good. I couldn't stop there. This egg-ish salad is so flavorful: with savory onion and earthy turmeric, the bite of the pickle and the zing of the mustard...It needed something more than plain jane wheat bread... 

Sourdough bread (I used English Muffins here) Toasted, buttered and add melted Tillamook Cheddar (probably would have been over the top delicious if I had Extra Sharp Cheddar)

So good my mouth is watering as I write this. I'm remembering all that glorious exquisite marriement of this great symphony of flavors! Am I over selling it? ^_^ Nah...

Vegetarian Business

Okay, I started this blog because I loved coming up with cool recipes...but than I saw a documentary that changed my life. It was about how farm animals in America are treated. I was absolutely shocked. I didn't know things were so disgustingly horrible...I felt ashamed for having eaten meat my whole life. I couldn't eat it anymore, but I didn't know how to cook without it. I was taught that there should be meat in every meal...

I became vegan for some time (lost tons of weight, FYI) But my family truly missed cheese. Butter we could do without. There are so many other vegan options for that stuff...Milk, well, I never much liked milk other than on my cereal or in my tea. At first I switched to soy milk, but I've found Almond milk is AWESOMENESS. Even if I weren't so animal friendly when it came to my food, I would still only drink Almond milk, especially Almond Chocolate Milk.

As for cheese, I did my research for the most humane dairy and found that there are some companies that give a shit about animals.

Here's the skinny of cheese (cheese is very fattening) Cheese is made with milk. Duh. Milk comes from cows. More specifically, it comes from cows who have just given birth...

Humans obtain cow semen (rape)
Humans force it inside of a female cow (rape)
Humans force that cow to carry a baby (torture...for me at least, pregnancy was torture...)
Humans take the baby away from the new mother (kidnapping) 
Humans hook up that cow to a machine for hours at a time to steal that milk. (slavery and torture)
Humans kill cow once it can't have anymore babies for us to take away... (murder)

Basically we're evil...But we get worse. Cheese is made from partially digested milk. We need Rennet, an enzyme in baby cow's stomach that helps them digest mother's milk...To get it, we cut the stomach out of the caffs, dry it up, cut it up and use it to make the cheese we love so much.

But I found Tillamook Cheese Company. Instead of having one great big corporate farm, they get their milk from hundreds of family farms. These farms are under strict orders to treat their cows very well. They work 4 hours at a time at the milkers and are otherwise outside with their babies. They have names, not numbers and best of all, Tillamook uses vegetable rennet, no cow stomach needed...and their cheese tastes the best.

Tillamook isn't perfect by any means, (they still rape their cows for baby and milk making purposes) , but it's a step in the right direction. This is the cheese I'll feed my family until fake cheese steps up their game. 

Like I said, I didn't know how to cook without meat for some time, but I'm really getting the hang of this no-meat thing...hang enough to make some cool recipes. Heck yeah... From now on the recipes I'll be posting will be vegetarian in nature. Hold onto your butts.

My first recipe will be Tofu 'Egg' Sandwiches....with a twist, or course. ^_^ 

Twisted Recipe #5 Pretzel Pizza!

Okay, so I don't know about anybody else, but I was for one, super excited about Little Caesar's new Pretzel Pizza...and then Horribly disappointed that it tasted like poo. 
Solution, make my own damn pretzel pizza! 

What you'll need:

• 1 1/2 cup of hot water
• 1 tbs of sugar
• 2 tsp of salt
• 1 packet of yeast 
• 4 1/2 cups of flower
• 10 cups of water
• 2/3 cups baking soda
• 3 egg yokes
• Another tbs of water
• Pizza toppings!

1. Combine in a mixing bowl:

• 1 1/2 cup of hot water
• 1 tbs of sugar
• 2 tsp of salt
• 1 packet of yeast 

Wait for it to get all foamy

• 4 1/2 cups of flower

And mix, kneed, and let sit for 55 minutes 

2. Make dough into whatever pizza/ calzone-type shape you want.

I suck at dough business, so what I got was an odd oblong of a whatever...

3. In a large pan (as wide as possible) bring to a boil, 10 cups of water and 2/3 cups baking soda.

4. Dip the dough into the water. 

I held mine out like a sheet and just slid it over the top of the water from end to end on both sides...it was not easy. When I do this again, I'll have to try something else maybe. I can't take a picture and dip funky shaped down into a pan at the same time, but look, it's wet now... 

5. Fill or top your pizza with whatever you like! Clella and I stuck with pepperoni, marinara, olives and mozzarella

6. Mix 3 egg yokes with 1 tbs of water and brush it over the exposed dough.

Because my funky shaped dough was too long for a backing sheet I flipped it over and made a calzone!...only just now realizing I could have simply made two pizzas... and of course my little daughter, Morrighan, had to have her own little pizza on the side.

7. You can add the traditional pretzel salt to the exposed dough. I added Italian seasonings and cheese... 

8. Bake for 12-14 minute at 450 degrees and done!

Mine looks funny but it tasted Amazeballs! Very filling, this pizza.

Happy Eating! 

Twisted Recipe #4 Pumpkin Balls!

I LOVE pumpkins! Have I said that before? I say it so often I feel it may be my motto. The Starks have, "Winter is Coming." The Lannisters have, " A Lannister Always Pays His Debts." And I have, "I love Pumpkins!" 

And not just their flavor (though, that may be more spice then vegetation...) I do so love the look of them. I've often thought of growing my own pumpkin patch...Sadly I have a rather black thumb in all things that grow from the ground. 

In any case, I charged myself with throwing a Halloween party this year. Part a celebration of candy and costumes and part a celebration of my best friends recent nuptials. 

Clella made cupcakes with bats and ghost, and I made potato salad, cutting olives into spiders (CREEPY) I also made Pumpkin Balls...Rice Crispy Treats that look like Pumpkins. 

Ingredients:

• 1 Stick of Butter
• 1 Bag of Marsh-mellows
• 1 Bag of Rice Crispy Cereal
• A TBS of Orange Food Coloring
• 1 Bag of Mini Reese's Cups 
• Cooking Oil

Rice Crispy Treats are ridiculously easy to make for how  num num they are. 

1.Melt butter in Pan with food coloring

2.Toss in all Marsh-mellows and stir until creamy 

3.Toss in all Rice Crispies and stir until all cereal is coated

4. Let it sit and cool down a small bit while you put on latex gloves and coat your hands with cooking oil. Then make very compact balls. 

See my balls

5. Then you will want to warm a plate in the microwave. Once it's good and hot set your Mini Reese's on it to melt their bottoms a bit. 

6. Put those Reese's on those balls and done! ...But, you'll want to let them chill for a good hour or they'll just fall apart as you eat them. 

See, so damn easy and so damn YUM!

And now, look at the centerpiece I made for the party. 

That's a Styrofoam Pumpkin, pained with glue and smothered in black glitter, and than violated with many feathers. Cute. huh?

Twisted Recipe #3 Big Bagel Burger

I had this weird dream the other day.  In it a man asked me to buy him a hamburger, so I did and it was expensive. $11 for a burger and fries! What? It looked huge and overflowing with lettuce. I was impressed, but I dropped it on my way back to the guy and suddenly I was at home remaking it for him. The dream stopped when the burger was done, and I woke up with a drive to make that burger a reality. So here's the burger I dreamed up.

In the dream the burger was huge, and filled with juicy meat, crisp lettuce, melted cheese and a sauce that I had to make in my dream, and then just had to make when I woke up.  I contacted my partner in crime, Clella, to see if she was up to the task. She totally was and on my way to fetch her, I stopped at the store to get everything I needed:

• Freshly baked bagels from our local grocer. I got Cheddar Bagels and Jalapeno Bagels.
• Organic, Grass Fed Beef Paddies
• A head of Lettuce. The pre-cut stuff is never as crisp.  
• Big juicy Tomatoes
• Eggs (pre-boiled...I'm a lazy cook.)
• And Sharp Cheddar Cheese

I seasoned the burgers with salt and pepper and broiled them until cooked through and through, but still juicy.

We cut the veggies.

We toasted the begals

We made the sauce...

The sauce would make or break this burger. In my dream I blended hard boiled eggs into a creamy spread.

There was Olive Oil, Salt and Pepper, but nothing else. Clella and I, however, decided to add some other ingredients as well. Paprika, Garlic Salt & Red Wine Vinegar. Nothing measured, just dashes and pinches, whatever felt right and tasted great.

Mom says we basically made our own Mayo...if so, it's much healthier and very tangy. Just as in my dream, the sauce went on the bottom bun of the bagel.

And then we assembled our masterpiece!

The Big Bagel Burger! Juicy, Crisp, Saucy and oh so messy to eat. Seriously, you'll want to have  wet wipes near by. ENJOY!

Twisted Recipe #2 Loaded Potato Bread

I LOVE POTATOES!  

Anyway you make them, I love them: Baked, Mashed, Fried, Totted and LOADED. I love them all...except scalloped. Scalloped potatoes are a concoction of pure evil. 

I have a similar passion for bread. There is no better smell than freshly baked bread. It was a cool October night when the thought came to me. My family and I were sitting in the living room and it struck me like lightning. Loaded Potato Bread. I'm no baker. I've made bread exactly twice in my whole life, one of them was even edible. In spite of my failings (which are many, and that's where Clella comes to the rescue) I simply had to eat this loaded potato/ potato bread. 

We start with a simple Potato Bread recipe. Makes two loafs of bread. Ingredients are: 

• 1 cup of mashed potatoes
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup of butter
• 1tsp salt
• 2 tbs active dry yeast
• 1/2 cup warm water
• 1/2 cup of sugar
• 5 cups of flower

1. Make Mashed Potatoes: pill,dice,boil, mash.
   
2. Stir in Sugar,Salt, Yeast, Eggs, Butter & Warm Water. 
   
3. Add flower until the mixture is doughy. 
4. Kneed dough on a flowered surface for a few minutes.Then set it in a greased  bowl for over an hour. RISE, my dough, RISE!  
   
   
   
   
5. While we wait lets gather up our other ingredients:
   

• Fresh Chives
• Plain Greek Yogurt or Sour Cream.
• Bacon
• Sharp Cheddar
• Garlic Salt

6. Chop those Chives, Dice that Bacon, Stir that Cream, Shred that Cheese...unless you're like me and you buy it pre-shredded. (Lazy lady)

7. When the dough is up to the task  (Get it? That's punny)  fold the ingredients into the dough and place it in a greased bread pan for another 40 minutes...or 20 minutes if you're like me and can't wait....

...I almost forgot the cheese!

That's better.

8. Bake at 375 Degrees for 40 minutes. Once it is done, butter the top and sprinkle on some Garlic Salt. Trust me, it is SO worth the time and energy. Literally the best bread I've ever eaten in my whole entire life!

ENJOY!